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  • Writer's picturePhilip Drucker

Communique "Feliz 5 de Oh-My-Oh!" 5-5-2021

Happy 5 de Oh-My-Oh! (Please note 5 de Mayo celebration = tequila shots.)

I’m not quite sure if it qualifies as an act of ignorance, bigotry, or perhaps just an experiment in evolution, but there was a time when I thought it might a good idea to find a mate taller than myself in the hope there would be a better chance of having my children grow up to be a bigger, better, faster, bionic if possible version of me.

This would be the one time I consciously thought about getting actively involved in eugenics as a major part of my somewhat sinister I guess master plan to manipulate, nay, outright engineer the next generation of supermen and women who would one day remember my sacrifice and memorialize it in song, dance and hopefully a Broadway play soon to be made into a hit summer blockbuster movie.

Of course, I would retain a 5% override on all merchandise, but even saying it in my head right now makes me wonder what that line of action figures would look like. But alas, it was not to be and that was just one of the many problems I would shortly find within my aspiration and ambition to create a better tomorrow today, one child at a time, for eventual world domination all the while being paid a healthy royalty rate for my story, and indeed, preparing for my old age, eventual retirement from f*cking and finally, financial security.

My first problem arose when I discovered I had miscalculated the actual attraction of a short, spooky and at least I thought hunky slice of beefcake as we called it back then who rarely combed his hair to the average woman, she a being naturally of greater stature, size, height, or build. Strike one.

Next, and this was key, I failed to recognize and appreciate that to tell my future empire builder, the Queen to be in my soon to be mythical utopia of all children growing to the height of well, maybe 5’7” in their lifetime of my what I thought to be brilliant and humanitarian dream was the absolute worst thing I could have done.

I’m afraid that after the reveal there were no second, let alone third dates (there was a three date before you sleep rule back then I remember it, do you?) to be found. When I eventually found a taller woman willing to sleep with me it turned out to be a one-night stand.

Later I found out through mutual friends that the only reason the princess of the mad scientist within me (and her, at least once) only consented to sex because she wasn’t into relationships and as it turns out, could never take anyone shorter than her seriously. Ouch.

I told myself that genius is always misunderstood at first, that it was as I suspected somewhat lonely at the top of the food chain, but the writing was on the wall. Although I did promise myself I would not be deterred so easily, it was not too long after that I found someone who was perfect in every way (or so I thought, isn’t young love fun?) who was alas a full four inches shorter than me.

My plans dashed, I never the less decided perhaps I was merely meant to be happy, albeit with a bunch of short kids by my side, but then she left me for another woman, and I was left devastated and with yet another “Am I good enough” issue to deal with.

Did I mention she told me it wasn’t me, it was her discovering her true self and that at any rate, I deserved better? Which of course translated to me at the time and due to my ongoing battle with lack of self-esteem that I absolutely and positively didn’t?

I later ran into her and her girlfriend at a local coffee shop. She was sitting across from her love, staring lovingly over the table into her eyes while dipping her French fries into her vanilla shake, just as we had once done. I was devastated, crushed and it was, the first of many although I didn’t know it at the time, the worst night of my life.

So incredibly disappointing to someone who was ready to kiss and tell with nothing to tell. It’s a wonder that I turned out as well as I did, although some persons would argue it is amazing I turned out at all. Might have had something to do with the obvious to all but me death-wish I constantly exhibited through act and deed, but that would be another story for another time.

Laugh if you must, but know this, I offer my story, sad as it is a cautionary tale of what happens when you exclude persons based on superficial, often silly notions of bring about a new world order based upon nothing more than height, weight, or any outward manifestation of superiority, including the color of one’s skin.

For in the final analysis, what matters is what’s inside. One’s ethics, morals and character. The ability to see beyond the peripheral and see the true person in their totality and love, honor and cherish them for what they are. If not perfect, then perhaps at least perfect for you? Just my take. I hope you find true love. I admit it took some time, but by overcoming that weird science fiction but none the less judgmental part of myself behind, I did.

I found my imperfect mate and I think it is fair to say she found hers. As a new world order, we do not have any children, but we have two empathic corgis who are really bright and we are trying to teach them telekinesis. Brain waves moving solid objects? Mind over Matter? They are getting quite good.

Little dogs have always ruled the world and they always will. Consider yourselves warned.

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