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  • Writer's picturePhilip Drucker


By Philip Drucker

California is a funny place. People from the rest of the world like to laugh at us, but it is always a noticeably nervous, twitchy sort of laugh. "How do those leaf-smoking, granola- eating, tree-huggers ever get anything done?" would pass for the standard, holier than thou wisdom through sarcasm delivered by persons mostly from states (and admittedly from a foreign country or two) that I wouldn't live in if you paid me to.

Truth: California is a donor state, meaning a state where the average taxpayer pays more in federal taxes than we get in return. A debtor state, or as I like to call them, a deadbeat state, is a state where the average taxpayer receives more in federal assistance than they are expected to pay out.

With this in mind, I, a born and non-cornbread fed Californian, apparently do pay you to live in a debtor state aka a state that I wouldn't live in well, like I said, if you paid me to. Now here's my question. Why should I?

If the definition of deadbeat state applies to your stupid, smelly, stinking of racism and religious intolerance state, I won't go so low as to call it what your illustrious but completely clueless and classless orange puss-addled spiritual leader from of all places New York, and mind you, probably calls you behind your back on a daily basis, then yes, I'm talking to you. Unsure if you live in a debtor's paradise? Here are some helpful guidelines to consider. If enough of the following applies to you, then you might just be the type of idle hands that keeps the devil in his workshop.

States that think life begins at conception and want to grandstand, demand, command and reprimand without even the slightest thought or effort put toward understanding the rights of and the plight of women and their desire to control their own bodies.

Their legislatures mostly comprised of Bible thumping patriarchy loving homosexuality is an abomination and yes, I choose to acknowledge the parts I like as gospel while the rest is at best some good suggestions (same with the Constitution) men (and strangely, the occasional woman) who can't go a day without trying to prove their piety through the suppression of the rights of men and women who don't think, look, act or worship (heavy on the worship part) as they do.

States that a mere 150 years ago (that's two persons living to the age of 75) tried to leave the Union over their "God given" right to practice slavery, aka the dehumanization of persons to the status of property in a thinly veiled effort to "validate" their "superiority" at the head of the Lord's food chain based on nothing more than the different color of one's skin.

States that by refusing to act responsibly in the face of a deadly world pandemic, put us all at risk of infection. Their failures to act aided and abetted under the cover and guise of divine intervention delivered by their personal false as they get profit in chief fat-calf in the way too White to actually represent the interests of our diverse nation House.

We are witnessing the apex of Unintelligent Design and it's catastrophic effect upon the living, or to be slightly more precise, those who wish to live this life right here and now as part of the celestial master plan and not merely in service to the next. Did I hear someone say "death-cult" mentality? If you did, I'm not arguing with you. If you are offended by this, please make sure you stay at least six feet away from me and for us here on this earth's sake, wear a mask, would ya? And while you're at it, get your children vaccinated before you send them to school, you dumber than your average dumb-ass MF you.

So, you may be asking, why does all of this make California a funny place? Because we here on the West Coast, through our hard earned federal tax dollars pay for most of if not nearly all of this alternative facts based on nothing more empirical than "I agree with that, so it must be true" folly that at the moment seems like a rather bad use of our resources.

Our beaches are closed while Florida's remained open to infect who knows how many spring breakers in the interest of some completely made up fantasy about the so-called "Prosperity" Gospel? That the Lord smiles upon those who kill teenagers for their own profit? This lopsided equation of morality (none) and greed (plenty) as the fruits of good old fashioned religion? With California the biggest of the donor states supporting the debtor states enabling people like Mitch McConnell to debase, devour and devastate what's left of the good people from Kentucky (second only to Virginia in the race to the bottom) for his own personal gain?

Fortunately, this may be coming to an end as we in the Eureka state finally say "Eureka" I have found it! And what might that discovery be? In short, we are not a state at all, but in fact, a nation and we're taking our friends and fellow donor states with us.

This is where we get real. California has the 5th largest economy in the world. Meaning? We don't need you. Sure, we love it when you buy stuff from us, but as already explained above, in reality you are just paying us back with our own money, right? Lots of people out there who would love to purchase our goods. And when it comes to commerce, there is only one color that matters, green. So, let's move on from the far less than important designation of red and blue states, and let's deal with the real issue at hand, green states and well, you're still in the red. Funny how that works, isn't it?

If you aren't worried yet, then consider this. There are currently two separate separation movements already under way. One includes California along with Oregon and Washington state creating a separate nation called "Pacifica". Notice our recent purchase of foreign PPE goods to include enough for the three states? Not just our own needs? This is clearly the beginnings of a separate discreet, shared interests, both economic and otherwise, zone of mutual cooperation. Not snickering at my morning Muesli flakes (that's breakfast cereal for those of you who probably still eat Captain Crunch or Trix for your daily dietary requirements) so much already? But wait, there's more.

A second, international in scope plan of self-rule includes the three American states mentioned above plus the Canadian province of British Columbia joining us to form the nation of Cascadia. Has a pretty ring to it doesn't it? Why yes, it does.

Now, let's just assume, and not unlike Pakistan, mind you, that our newly minted dominant economic powerhouse made a strategic alliance with New York and perhaps some other East Coast states with sane Governors, Cuomo of course coming to mind, to further our ability to make damn sure the red tail no longer wags the blue dog. Tantalizing to say the least, in fact I'm beginning to Pavlov Dog salivate even as we speak.

My tax dollars going to me and my fellow Pacificans/Cascadians who actually believe that everyone is entitled to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness and that we are all in the eyes of our Lord, a just and caring Lord that all are created and remain throughout our entire lives, from our first breath to our last, equal.

If you and your fellow cretins in whatever state and under whatever rock you choose to live can't adhere to equal justice under the law always and for all, well then, you know who you are, regardless of any geographic differences.

Oh, and BTW, have a nice time with the Zombie Apocalypse I'm sure is coming your way and probably way sooner than you think.

As always, be the divine spark of life within you wish to be. -Namaste

-Philip Drucker for

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